Renegotiating Trauma

Do you ever wonder if you can have a redo in life?

Well, while time travel has not been invented yet, and therefore we can’t actually redo the events of our lives, but we can redo our psyche’s experience of them. This is called a renegotiation or renegotiating trauma.

My first exposure to renegotiating trauma was through studying Peter Levine’s work with somatic experiencing. Levine refers to the renegotiation of a trauma as having a different, less traumatic ending. It also suggests that we give the nervous system a chance to do what it wanted to do instead of being inhibited. I am defining trauma as any big, or small event that disrupts our nervous system, sense of safety, time and attachment.

Over the years of being a psychotherapist I have realized that sometimes there needs to be a renegotiation of trauma in terms of development. When trauma happens, it can often interfere with a developmental stage. This creates a holding pattern where we get stuck and don’t finish that stage. All of our developmental stages are important for becoming a fully actualized adult and person. If we skip one, then we are lacking the skills to be an adult in some way.

My understanding of renegotiating trauma in this instance is going back and giving our inner child the parenting they would have needed to complete the developmental stage. I see this often with the stage of individuation. Individuation happens during the teen years when we learn to separate ourselves from our parents, trust our own opinions and have self confidence in ourselves. Many of us get stuck in this phase. This results in low self-confidence, codependency, maladaptive strategies involving manipulation and an inability to fulfill our own needs. I often guide my clients to give themselves the parenting they would have wanted to go through this stage. We talk about learning new skills which come with this stage. Another younger stage that can get interrupted is the stage of learning to self soothe. This can get interrupted with more overwhelming trauma and results in a teen or adult who cannot self soothe. Their emotions become big and unregulated. This make sit hard to maintain any meaningful relationships and can lead to major depression and anxiety. In therapy, we work on learning how to self soothe and renegotiating the parenting they needed to feel soothed.

Peter Levine’s famous example of a somatic renegotiation, is a male client of his who had a motor cycle accident and fell on the pavement. Levine had the man fall on a soft mattress so that he could experience a different ending that was less traumatic. I have swaddled children and adults in session with a blanket to give them the feeling of safety that they never got as babies.

You too can renegotiate your trauma. When you notice you are being critical towards yourself or having fear of abandonment or needing validation, try talking to yourself in the way you seek from others. Be that archetypal loving mother and renegotiate what you didn’t have. Offer yourself love and compassion. Give yourself a bio feedback hug and squeeze yourself tightly. These are ways of doing a very impactful redo! I hope this helps just one person reading this post. If you have more questions write them below and I will answer them. As always, from my heart to yours,

Ariel

To Medicate or Not?

I know that a lot of people have trepidation about anti-anxiety and depression medications. So I am here to open a discussion and offer information and my perspective.

I was raised homeopathic, so medications were not something we were offered when I was younger. And I appreciate that my mom wanted to find a wholistic approach to most of our ailments. So, I would say that I am not one to quickly jump to a medication as the solution. However, there are instances where medication is indicated and can have a huge impact on someone’s life.

When we are truly suffering, either emotionally or physically, we cannot enjoy our lives or use the tools to manage our suffering because it is too consuming. The suffering become a black hole and there is not enough light to find the path out. Our feelings are like the dial on a radio; we never want them blaring where they drown out everything else. If the depression, anger or anxiety is at its maximum volume, then therapy or meditation can’t really work.

Here is the thing, while I offer tools to manage emotions and thought patterns, if you can’t find a baseline fo happiness how will you know what you are working towards? I find that in certain circumstances, we first need to get back to that baseline before we can use the tools which will keep us there. Bottom line--no one should have to be suffering if there are resources available to make life better. So when I see someone truly suffering and they can’t even access the tools I am offering, I suggest medication.

This comes up a lot with teens. A teen is really struggling and depressed and suffering, but the parents are really nervous about medication; they are afraid it will change their child in some way. I explain to them that their child is suffering and there is a resource out there which can help why wouldn’t we try it? In fact, this is a concern with adults too. I am often asked if it will take away a person’s emotions and change their ability to feel. The answer is no. The medications do not take away your ability to feel, they only turn the volume down on those feelings. So instead of the feeling drowning everything else out, it is more in the background and manageable.

Some practical information: most of the side effects of medications go away after three weeks of use. I don’t know why, but this is the magic number of weeks. So no need to quit before three weeks. Also, they work by changing the synapse in your brain. They are inhibiting your brain from reabsorbing neurotransmitters and therefore altering your brain chemistry. Since your synapse change every 4-6 weeks, you most likely wont feel the full benefit of the medication for 4-6 weeks. So don’t hit the panic button if it feels like they aren’t working right away!

There are several classes of medications:

1) SSRI’s- Selective Serotonin Re-uptake inhibitor. This works by inhibiting the reabsorption of serotonin so there is more of it floating around in your brain. This tells the brain to start making more serotonin and changes the synapse. Example: Lexapro

2) SNRI’s- Selective Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor. Works the same way as the SSRI’s. Example: Effexor

3) DNE- Dopamine and Norepinephrine enhancer. Different class of medication and tends to be energizing. It works for people with ADHD as well. Example: Wellbutrin

4) Mood Stabilizers/ Anti Psychotics- These are used for major mood disorders such as major depressive disorder or Bi-Polar. Example: Lithium.

I want to share that I have used SSRI’s very successfully. They have been a god send when I have felt unable to resource myself. For those who have a biochemical imbalance SSRI”s/SNRI’s are like any other medication necessary to treat a condition. The fact is if you have a biochemical imbalance your brain is like a sponge with many holes in it; it just loses a lot of of the neurotransmitter. So you need more of that neurotransmitter in your system to begin with. There is nothing wrong with giving your body what it needs.

This is not to say that when you start to feel better you should just ditch therapy. No, a wholistic approach is the best approach. Finding the tools to sustain that baseline is really important, and someday you will want to go off of the medication so having sustainable practices are just as important. Medication is not a replacement for therapy. But I have seen medications change people’s lives. Teens become thriving and full of life again and therefore the family system does better as a whole. I have seen adults actually want to participate in their lives again or try new things without their anxiety prohibiting them. This a good option and I hope that my open discussion helps at least one person make a choice to not suffer anymore. Feel free to ask me any questions on this topic, I am here as a resource for you. And if you have an experience you want to share, good or bad, about being on one of these medications, please share below. As usual, from my heart to yours, see you soon!

Whos'e Who in the World of Mental Health

Hi, you are probably reading this post because you are confused or overwhelmed by where to start with picking a professional to support you with some questions or challenges you have in your life. I get it, there are a lot of us and we have different titles and some people have self assigned titles. So lets go through everyone and see if I can make it clearer for you as to where to begin and which professional is right for you!

Marriage and Family Psychotherapist (MFT): This is what I am. This person is qualified to work with any issues that pertain to relationship. So children, couples, and families. However, we also are always in relationship with ourselves as well so we are allowed to work with individuals. Therapists tend to do the deep dive work. They will explore your attachment style, deep narratives about yourself and offer tools for whatever condition you have. What therapists aren’t really qualified to do is prescribe medications and work with, in general, axis 2 diagnosis like schizophrenia, psychosis or anything that requires hospitalization. MFT’s are not the right person for a formal evaluation of a child for school purposes. That requires testing and is done by a psychologist. Always make sure an MFT has completed a masters level program and has had experience in the field working with people. A session with a therapist is usually 45-50 minutes.

Psychologist: Psychologists have obtained a doctoral level education. They are the person who will give you a formal diagnosis. For instance, a psychologist will evaluate your child for ADHD. Their main focus is on diagnosis and while some psychologists will do the actual work of therapy, others tend to focus on diagnosis and treatment plan. There is a wide range of philosophies with psychologists on this matter so it is best to talk to them about their orientation. A session with a psychologist runs 45-50 minutes. They tend to be more expensive than an MFT.

Psychiatrist: Psychiatrists have also gotten a PhD. They are the person who can prescribe medication. They are also interested in diagnosis as it pertains to medication. They do not conduct therapy. They will check in with your symptoms and dose of medication when you see them. An appointment with a psychiatrist will be short. You would only see a psychiatrist for medication.

Clinical Social Worker (LCSW): These professionals have a wide scope of applications. They may work with families, foster situations, in schools or private practice like an MFT. Social workers therefore are qualified to conduct therapy as well as work within the foster system and assisted medical relief systems. They are versatile in nature and highly qualified. Their sessions are usually 45-50 minutes and their fee is comparable to MFT.

I think it is important to distinguish between the above mental health professionals and the ones I am about to mention. Please do your homework and make sure your professional has the qualifications and education to work with your trauma.

Counselor: A counselor may be qualified to work with you. A therapist may call themselves a counselor and many often do. They may have an MA in a certain type pf counseling. For instance, my MA is in Counseling with a concentration in Somatic Psychotherapy. However they may not have qualifications and self assign this term. For instance, they may call themselves a “spiritual counselor”. This means that they have not gotten any of the qualifications to work with mental health. So it is important to understand that this word is tremendously misleading. It is also against the law to perform anything that looks like therapy if you are not qualified to be a therapist. Counselors may fall under the domain of wellness and not mental health.

Life Coach or just Coach: A life coach is someone who is certified to identify your goals in life, identify the obstacles you experience with those goals and set up strategies to help you get there. They may coach you on your perspective and how to find a more successful outlook. They are not qualified to do therapy or anything that looks like therapy. They are not a mental health professional, they fall under the category of wellness.

I hope this is helpful information. If you have any questions list them in the comments below and I will answer them! If you want more privacy just email me and I will respond. As usual, from my heart to yours, until next time!

The Lowest Hanging Fruit

Here is the thing gist of this post; we often overlook the simplest solution.

People ask me what they can do to help their children with behavioral problems or their own anxiety, my answer is to first identify what is triggering the behavior. If we could feel less anxious, frustrated, angry etc. we would. If we are acting out in ways, it is because we can’t and the question is why? The more complicated question is what skill are we missing to handle this situation? This is really what I do as a psychotherapist; I help identify the skill missing and with awareness we can cultivate tools to manage the situation. However, before the skill question is a much simpler one; what basic needs are not being met here?

Enter my sister, Megan.

Megan, my big sister, in not only an expert on child development and special needs education, she is also a mother of three. She introduced the idea of the lowest hanging fruit; a basic need that is not being addressed and by addressing it, the behavior might change and the problem is solved. This has been exceptionally useful with her eldest son. She would describe how, when he was very angry, she would put food in front of him and not say a word. It turns out he was really hungry in those times. We all are short, irritable, angry, frustrated when we haven’t had enough sleep, food or down time. I tell my clients if you are already feeling anxious, make sure you sleep enough and eat enough.

But how do we know we are hungry or tired?

This is a question that also gets overlooked. After all, not all of us are able to identify our needs. In fact, in certain situations, some of us have had to learn how to ignore our needs as a defensive strategy. My work as a somatic psychotherapist is to help people identify a somatic cue and what it is telling them. I once had a client who had an eating disorder. What we came to find out it that she would often miss the cue for a boundary; she was tired or over extended. Because she would not recognize these things she would say yes to social engagement and get overwhelmed so she would binge to help ground her. Going straight to tools for the anxiety still wasn’t addressing the fact that she couldn’t identify tired in her body. Once we worked with identifying these cues through tracking her sensations, she was able to recognize them in the moment and take care of herself. With time she stopped binging and purging. This was the skill she was missing.

This is why I believe strongly in mindfulness and tracking sensations (If you do not know what this practice is, I suggest you try my progressive relaxation meditation). Learning to identify the cues our body is giving us helps us recognize the lowest hanging fruit. Before we try and investigate the skills we are missing, or the psychodynamic reason for something, first just ask this question; how is my body doing right now? What are the sensations in my body? Is there discomfort? What is this discomfort telling me? Having a practice of this several times a day will lead to you attending to your body on a more regular basis. This in turn will lead to a more satiated homeostasis which leads to a more productive, content outcome and perspective in life. Again, when the body is in distress we are in distress.

If you are a parent, perhaps before you jump to a conclusion about your child’s behavior, consider sliding a snack in front of them or getting into a more regular bedtime. Also, remember that if your child is struggling with demanding challenges in their life, make sure their basic needs are really being met. This will cut down on their stress. When we are under stress and duress we go to our most primal and under resourced behaviors.

Let me know how this post has helped you in your own life or parenting your child. As usual I send you well wishes from my corner of the world to yours!

Expectations vs Goals and How They Contribute to Happiness

As a psychotherapist I witness people getting stuck, disappointed, frustrated and dissatisfied with their lives. In fact I have witnessed myself feel those things as well. Over the years I have come to realize that there is one distinct difference between the people who are suffering and those who are not; goals vs expectations.

So what is the difference between a goal and an expectation?

An expectation is something that has to happen in your mind. It is a set outcome and we attach our well being to that outcome. For example if I expect I will be able to do handstand into my 80’s, then I am content if I can and disappointed if I can’t. Often expectations lead to self criticism as well. We criticize ourselves for not being able to meet the expectation and our our sense of reality can get skewed. Most importantly we do not develop the skill to remain flexible and be able to soothe ourselves through delayed gratification. These all leads to suffering in our souls.

Now let’s talk about goals. Goals are a hope, a suggestion and an anchor of what we would like to move towards. Using the same example above, if I set a goal that I would like to try and do handstand into my 80’s then I am working towards it but still open to what reality provides me. Perhaps I won’t be able to and that is ok because I have not poured my sense of happiness into this one outcome, I have enjoyed working towards something. I have more choice here. I can decide that the goal was just an inspiration, not an expectation. The other piece to this is that I tell my clients to always set reasonable goals. So if you are grieving in any way, set a reasonable goal for the day; I am going to make sure I eat today. That is reasonable, deciding you have to be social with others that day may not be reasonable and sounds like an expectation.

This brings me to my last point. In order to thrive we need to speak in terms that are kind to ourselves and encourage flexibility. The words we use are often indicative of whether we are setting goals or forming expectations. Words like: “I should”, “I have to”, “what if”, “I want” and “I need” are expectation words. Some of them are ok if you are setting a boundary. For instance saying “I need you to take your hands off of me” suggests this is not a flexible request; this is your boundary. But in general these words can create inflexibility. What if sentences indicate that we are worried about a certain outcome which means we are also rejecting it. So trying to reframe these words is really helpful for pivoting away from disappointment, discontent, dissatisfaction, frustration and towards happiness and contentment.

Words like: “I would like to”, “I am going to try to”, “I value” and “I hope” are goal oriented words. These words allow for other other options to present themselves. For instance I would like to do handstand into my 80’s but if I can’t then I will have the opportunity to work with change and non attachment. You can see how that sentence shows me my own resilience and choice.

The other day my husband, Jason, and I were talking about how goals allow for patience and expectations breed impatience. Expecting to be good at something right away or get what we want means we don’t develop the muscle of tolerance. Goals help us strengthen our sense of patience, diligence, flexibility, and contentment.

The take away here is to just take the word expectation out of your vocabulary. The more I do this work and think about the common experience amongst humans (which I do A LOT), The more I realize this word is really not useful for our sense of gratification and ultimate happiness. As an exercise I challenge you to remove your expectations and replace them with goals and reframe all of your expectations sentences into goal oriented ones. Slow down here so you can catch them as they happen ALL OF THE TIME. And see if that increases your sense of satisfaction, tolerance and acceptance of life.

I hope this was helpful and as usual I am here to help you through this wonderful and wild ride called life!

The Emotional Anatomy

When I became a somatic psychotherapist I was seeking a language to describe the changes I had experienced in my own body after a trauma. It seemed like my body got caught in fight and seemed to armor up and not let go. I really had no language to explain this except to describe my experience.

When I was in graduate school, I learned about Stanley Keleman’s Formative Psychology which theorizes that we unconsciously hold trauma responses in the body; strategies to manage overwhelming emotional and physical experiences. Stanley wrote a very important book called “The Emotional Anatomy”, explaining the body’s pulsation between experiences in our external environment and our unconscious internal reactions which are translated into action in the body. Keleman suggests that we can unwind these responses by shifting them from involuntary and unconscious bodily states to voluntary and conscious ones. We do this by titrating our way into them and out of them. Keleman’s theory gave me the language and answers to explain my body’s transformation and to also explain how trauma interacts with our bodies.

So it is by no coincidence that parts of our bodies are tense, or even injured. I find using the emotional anatomy with my clients to be a really effective and rich part of working with trauma or stress; we cannot leave the body behind when we think of trauma. It can also be applied to situations which aren’t necessarily traumatic. For instance, a lot of us respond to anything that is overwhelming by squeezing, or contracting to try and make that which is overwhelming smaller. This is instinctual and we are usually doing it on an unconscious level. Most of us experience tension in our shoulders which is a response to squeezing, trying to reduce our stress or other feelings. This can also be more of a retreat by pulling the body in towards itself or even creating a suit of armor for protection by stiffening all of our muscles.

The important piece here is titration. When we are unconsciously squeezing, tightening or clenching it is used as a defensive strategy. It is what our body knows to do and if we try to suddenly force the body to do something different, we will feel defenseless. I always say to my clients that we need to respect what their bodies are doing and offer them a different choice slowly and mindfully.

So what does this look like?

I will give you an example. I had been a dancer all of my life and then transitioned into a yogini. So I was pretty accustomed to being in my body. When I was in the Peace Corps I experienced a very frightening trauma and was sent back to Washington DC to get treatment for post traumatic shock and PTSD. All I knew to do was take yoga twice a day. The board of doctors and nurses for the Peace Corps asked me why I was moving through the shock faster than others. All I knew at the time was that Yoga was doing something for me: I felt safer again, my intrusive memories were getting less intrusive and my body was loosening it’s vice grip. This is a great example of titration. Because yoga works with the breath, it is impossible to force the body to open. And breath in and of itself is titrating, with each inhale we expand and each exhale we relax. So we are opening a little and relaxing a little moving out and then coming back in. If you are experiencing chronic squeezing or contracting somewhere in your body and you think it is related to trauma I do suggest you see a professional either who has a somatic background or a mindfulness background. But if it more stress related, try sending your breath there and see if you can squeeze a little more on the inhale and then on the exhale try doing it a little less. Continue to do this titration, more and less over a span of 10 breaths and see how you feel. Sometimes the body just needs a little support and guidance. It might be helpful to use the tool of mantra or affirmation here, as you try your titration perhaps remind your body that the stress is within your control something like “we can handle this” or “I am ok”. Offering the body a different coping mechanism will ultimately help it to relax. I cannot stress enough that forcing the body to release does not work. Just like forcing a stretch does not work. The basis of this work is offering the body a different choice without stripping it of its strategy too soon.

As usual, I hope this was helpful. And share in the comments below your own thoughts and questions regarding the emotional anatomy.

Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself

As I was shaking and scared to climb any higher out of fear of taking a 20 foot fall, my climbing partnered yelled up at me “there is nothing to fear but fear itself Ariel”. And in that moment I realized that my only handicap was where my mind took me.

Fear is a trickster. True fear comes from a response to threat and results in the fight or flight response in the nervous system. Think of a lion chasing you, this is a true threat. The appropriate response is fear because it will motivate you to run or do something that you can’t usually do because of the extra adrenalin in your system. However, fear in reaction to an imagined threat can be quite paralyzing. An imagined threat is something we perceive as threatening though it really is not, rather it is most likely just uncomfortable. Now rock climbing can be both. There are times when I am safe but the fall is still a scary prospect. So having the capacity to translate my fear to excitement is useful here.

Excitement presents as very similar to fear. It can also release adrenalin. We can feel “amped” when we are excited. In fact sometimes they are hard to differentiate. So if fear can be paralyzing, why not shift the narrative to something more empowering and call it excitement? In fact, every time I climb and am nervous about it, I just keep saying to myself; “I am so excited to do this climb”. And it really does work. My body relaxes, I start to enjoy the beautiful scenery around me, I see more possibility on the rock, my grip loosens and my hands stop sweating. Most importantly, I feel in control of the climb instead of fear being in control of me.

One of the biggest ways that I see fear and excitement confused is in relationships. Especially the push/ pull ones. For those of us who have insecure to avoidant attachment styles, (if you don’t know what that is read my blog post on attachment styles.) we tend to confuse a sense of un-safety and fear with excitement. The idea of the “chase” when someone is withholding love from us is interpreted as exciting instead of inherently unsafe. Also, theses relationships tend to be very passionate at first because both parties will rush in without any boundaries and then most likely someone will rush out. That passion is interpreted as exciting though it is actually really unsafe for the person who is insecurely attached. So, in this case, we actually need to do the opposite of what I said above; slow down and understand we are confusing excitement with fear. Naming it as a fear instead of excitement helps insecurely attached folks start taking care of themselves instead of repeating a painful cycle of abandonment. Here the individual needs to learn that relationships which are consistent and uneventful (in a dramatic disruption in attachment) are actually exciting because they don’t create the adrenalin of insecurity. In my work as a psychotherapist my clients will express that this type of relationship is boring. I suggest that they see that there is hardly anything boring about consistent love and emotional availability. It is jus that they are used to being in flight or flight in their relationships, This is a huge piece of healing insecure attachment.

I hope this is helpful in understanding the way these two states in the body interact. Perhaps the next time you find yourself attempting a handstand, climbing a rock wall, publicly speaking etc. try shifting the narrative that it is scary and replace it with the idea that this is an exciting opportunity. See if that helps. And if you are insecurely attached, try looking at the chase as hurtful and see if you can identify that this is not excitement you are feeling but fear and make a different choice in the relationship. As usual, I will talk to you next week and feel free to share your experience with fear and excitement. We all learn from each other!

Sensory Dysregulation and Relaxation

All of us are unique and different. Sometimes the exact thing we struggle with is also our greatest asset. When I work with people as a therapist, I never see anything as a fault. It is especially important for parents, teachers, coaches and therapists to remember this. Children can’t always tell us what the world looks or feels like to them and their behavior may suggest a very different story than what is on the inside.

I find this to be most true with kids and grownups with sensory sensitivity of some kind. Atypically wired people have very sensitive sensory systems making them both hyper sensitive to sensations and/or desensitized to sensations. These individuals can range anywhere from a dysregulated sensory system to ADD, ADHD or Autism. My experience with these children is that they need tools to calm down an overactive part of their brains. Some need things they can touch, smell, etc. and some needs things like a weighted blanket to give them the sense of being grounded and safe.

In either case, helping this individual learn how to relax and connect to sensation is very important. I work with several teens who have ADHD and they all need ways to feel they are in their bodies and truly relax. In fact, knowing how to truly relax is really paramount for their sense of safety and physical health. Because they are working very hard to stay focused, or the brain is always seeking contact, they could benefit from true rest and time to focus. The problem here is that some of these individuals cannot focus easily and need some sort of benign sensory experience to help them focus.

I have recorded a progressive relaxation meditation meant to help the nervous system and sensory system truly relax. You can do this meditation or offer it to others who struggle with truly relaxing. If you have a child who seeks sensory experience or needs a reminder of how to get into their body, I suggest squeezing each body part as it is named in the meditation. They can even do the meditation under a weighted blanket.

In my mind, it is time to work outside of the box we often offer to people with sensory overload. Let’s start actually offering body based tools to help. And school systems need to stop suggesting that there is something wrong with deeply sensing children. While medications are effective, I think that making space for their difference and joining them in tools that help them is even more sustainable over time. If you are a sensory person, or have a little sensory person, I would love to hear your feedback on how tools for relaxation help you cope with sensory overload.

The Power of love

Like many of you, I have had my struggles. I have a tendency to have a negative view of myself and my experiences. This is not uncommon. In fact we tend towards identifying the catastrophe because it is a survival instinct to look for possible threats. This is called the negativity bias. In general, we all tend towards not wanting to feel the negative feelings. There are ways we try to get away from them; I have, in the past, blamed others for my frustrations and astonishment at what life has handed me. These are our aversions; the things we push away and don’t want to see or feel. We literally push it below the line of consciousness. We try finding a way to bypass these feelings or truths in our lives. And when we do, we create false refuges: substances, indulging in projecting onto others, codependent behaviors etc.

Then what is the true refuge and how do I get there?

I know that blaming myself or others never works. Being critical of myself and others absolutely makes my suffering more. But that trance of unworthiness is so strong. So what does help? Well, at the core of all humans is the deep need to be loved and understood. What does a child want when they are tired? Comfort. We all want to be rocked and hugged and shown compassion. It is all we need. But we walk around defended with ourselves and others. We close our hearts to ourselves and others. We do not love ourselves as we would that small child. And when we don’t get that love, we act out in ways that are meant to both comfort and defend against our own hurt.

So the true refuge is compassion and love. That is it. When we are in the trance of unworthiness, we want to be understood and comforted not alienated and blamed. One way I work with this as a therapist is following the principles of Tara Brach’s RAIN. RAIN is her process to find radical self acceptance.

RAIN stands for:

• Recognizing we are feeling something or having an aversion to something.

• Allowing it to be there without trying to get rid of it or push it away.

• Investigating this aversion or feeling and finding out what lies beneath it.

• Nurture the part of ourselves that is suffering with this aversion.

For example, I worked with a woman suffering with infertility. It was incredibly frustrating and painful for her. It made her feel angry all of the time. There were members of her family who seemed not to understand how impactful infertility was in her life. This made her really angry and she felt isolated from them. The anger became a false refuge of blaming. She blamed them for everything, and the things they did wrong. Anger in and of itself is a very mobilizing emotion, it can be a false refuge since it masks other emotions. But anger didn’t actually address what she was experiencing. The practice here was to recognize and allow this anger without trying to get away from it. While investigating it, she found that she was feeling hurt and sad. Hurt that her family couldn’t understand how painful this was and sad she couldn’t share in the experience of parenthood with them. She desperately wanted them to see this and her. This is her true heart. She sat with this hurt and sadness and nurtured it. "I am so sorry you feel this deep sadness, it is so big. I also see how much you want your family to understand and see you because you love them and you want to feel accepted by them. I am here for you. I see you. And I will hold you and rock you. Now, how can we tell them with an open heart?” Instead of writing an email to her family out of anger, she wrote them an email explaining that she wanted to strengthen her relationship with them and therefore she shared what was in her heart. This created connection with her family members instead of isolation. Their response explained that they were afraid to ask or pry, and in truth they just didn’t want to feel the devastation in their own hearts. She got the understanding and love she needed and felt love in her heart for their vulnerability.

When I have been able to practice RAIN successfully it has been quite amazing. Sometimes I find it is because I want to be seen, or I want to feel worthy, other times I want to feel significant. Each time I nurture and support these fears, I am able to interact with myself and others in a heartfelt and open way. Perhaps try this practice during your next meditation. As always, I send you love in the great world out there!

Abandonment Hunger

If you are a person who experiences an ache inside of you when you perceive abandonment, or if you are in a relationship with someone who experiences this, then this post is for you.

As young children we need consistent attending and attachment. If we don’t get that attachment either through neglect or actual abandonment, then we have a place within us always starving for connection, safety and stability. This place seems to mimic the feelings we have when we are starving for food, so I decided to call it the “Abandonment hunger”; the place within us starving for attachment and love. Through my work over the years as a somatic therapist, I began to notice this feeling of panic in those who have experienced abandonment young. And I find that when we can recognize and name it, we can nurture this part of ourselves and make more fulfilling and healthy behavioral choices for ourselves. The symptoms of abandonment hunger are:

*Gnawing feeling in the belly, tightening of the body, wide eyed fear

*Panic at the thought of real or imagined threat

*Need for closeness; wanting to engulf others

*Inability to self soothe or self regulate when others are perceived to leave

*Nothing is ever enough for this place in us

*Devastated when you feel loss

If you feel any of these and can relate to what I am writing, please know that you can work on this with an experienced mental health professional to find strategies and experience relief. You will soon be able to appreciate boundaries and recognize when the hunger is present. While I don’t think the hunger ever goes away, it certainly can be managed and become satiated to a certain degree. One simple tool for the hunger is called reality testing. This is one of my favorite tools, it refers to comparing the present/your thoughts to a different time or reality. So you may ask yourself: how is this relationship different from the one when I experienced abandonment? Is this person really leaving me or is this a story I am making up? etc. I find this very useful. Most of all, true compassion and love for this part of yourself will help it feel it is getting the love it deeply craves. Try this meditation led by Tara Brach using a process called RAIN to feel self compassion:

If you do experience the abandonment hunger, please share what helps you and if this post was helpful for you. Thank you for reading!