Like many of you, I have had my struggles. I have a tendency to have a negative view of myself and my experiences. This is not uncommon. In fact we tend towards identifying the catastrophe because it is a survival instinct to look for possible threats. This is called the negativity bias. In general, we all tend towards not wanting to feel the negative feelings. There are ways we try to get away from them; I have, in the past, blamed others for my frustrations and astonishment at what life has handed me. These are our aversions; the things we push away and don’t want to see or feel. We literally push it below the line of consciousness. We try finding a way to bypass these feelings or truths in our lives. And when we do, we create false refuges: substances, indulging in projecting onto others, codependent behaviors etc.
Then what is the true refuge and how do I get there?
I know that blaming myself or others never works. Being critical of myself and others absolutely makes my suffering more. But that trance of unworthiness is so strong. So what does help? Well, at the core of all humans is the deep need to be loved and understood. What does a child want when they are tired? Comfort. We all want to be rocked and hugged and shown compassion. It is all we need. But we walk around defended with ourselves and others. We close our hearts to ourselves and others. We do not love ourselves as we would that small child. And when we don’t get that love, we act out in ways that are meant to both comfort and defend against our own hurt.
So the true refuge is compassion and love. That is it. When we are in the trance of unworthiness, we want to be understood and comforted not alienated and blamed. One way I work with this as a therapist is following the principles of Tara Brach’s RAIN. RAIN is her process to find radical self acceptance.
RAIN stands for:
Recognizing we are feeling something or having an aversion to something.
Allowing it to be there without trying to get rid of it or push it away.
Investigating this aversion or feeling and finding out what lies beneath it.
Nurture the part of ourselves that is suffering with this aversion.
For example, I worked with a woman suffering with infertility. It was incredibly frustrating and painful for her. It made her feel angry all of the time. There were members of her family who seemed not to understand how impactful infertility was in her life. This made her really angry and she felt isolated from them. The anger became a false refuge of blaming. She blamed them for everything, and the things they did wrong. Anger in and of itself is a very mobilizing emotion, it can be a false refuge since it masks other emotions. But anger didn’t actually address what she was experiencing. The practice here was to recognize and allow this anger without trying to get away from it. While investigating it, she found that she was feeling hurt and sad. Hurt that her family couldn’t understand how painful this was and sad she couldn’t share in the experience of parenthood with them. She desperately wanted them to see this and her. This is her true heart. She sat with this hurt and sadness and nurtured it. "I am so sorry you feel this deep sadness, it is so big. I also see how much you want your family to understand and see you because you love them and you want to feel accepted by them. I am here for you. I see you. And I will hold you and rock you. Now, how can we tell them with an open heart?” Instead of writing an email to her family out of anger, she wrote them an email explaining that she wanted to strengthen her relationship with them and therefore she shared what was in her heart. This created connection with her family members instead of isolation. Their response explained that they were afraid to ask or pry, and in truth they just didn’t want to feel the devastation in their own hearts. She got the understanding and love she needed and felt love in her heart for their vulnerability.
When I have been able to practice RAIN successfully it has been quite amazing. Sometimes I find it is because I want to be seen, or I want to feel worthy, other times I want to feel significant. Each time I nurture and support these fears, I am able to interact with myself and others in a heartfelt and open way. Perhaps try this practice during your next meditation. As always, I send you love in the great world out there!