If you are a person who experiences an ache inside of you when you perceive abandonment, or if you are in a relationship with someone who experiences this, then this post is for you.
As young children we need consistent attending and attachment. If we don’t get that attachment either through neglect or actual abandonment, then we have a place within us always starving for connection, safety and stability. This place seems to mimic the feelings we have when we are starving for food, so I decided to call it the “Abandonment hunger”; the place within us starving for attachment and love. Through my work over the years as a somatic therapist, I began to notice this feeling of panic in those who have experienced abandonment young. And I find that when we can recognize and name it, we can nurture this part of ourselves and make more fulfilling and healthy behavioral choices for ourselves. The symptoms of abandonment hunger are:
*Gnawing feeling in the belly, tightening of the body, wide eyed fear
*Panic at the thought of real or imagined threat
*Need for closeness; wanting to engulf others
*Inability to self soothe or self regulate when others are perceived to leave
*Nothing is ever enough for this place in us
*Devastated when you feel loss
If you feel any of these and can relate to what I am writing, please know that you can work on this with an experienced mental health professional to find strategies and experience relief. You will soon be able to appreciate boundaries and recognize when the hunger is present. While I don’t think the hunger ever goes away, it certainly can be managed and become satiated to a certain degree. One simple tool for the hunger is called reality testing. This is one of my favorite tools, it refers to comparing the present/your thoughts to a different time or reality. So you may ask yourself: how is this relationship different from the one when I experienced abandonment? Is this person really leaving me or is this a story I am making up? etc. I find this very useful. Most of all, true compassion and love for this part of yourself will help it feel it is getting the love it deeply craves. Try this meditation led by Tara Brach using a process called RAIN to feel self compassion:
If you do experience the abandonment hunger, please share what helps you and if this post was helpful for you. Thank you for reading!