Attachment Styles

Attachment is the basic primary instinct humans have. We are not animals that live alone. We need a tribe because being a member of that tribe keeps us safe. So attachment happens very young and is essential to building a sense of safety and trust in the world.

As a therapist, I am wary of diagnosis and labels. If taken literally, they only explain a very narrow view of a person’s story. Often people can have traits of certain diagnosis without having the diagnosis itself. The same is true with attachment styles. While I am going to explain the different attachment styles, please remember that these styles come from predicaments people faced as children and that the styles explain more about the predicaments than being a rigid rule about attachment.

When we are young we are in a circle of security with our primary caregivers. The circle of security explains the process by which we explore the world. We need both the support and comfort of our caregivers when we are scared while also being encouraged to explore. If any of the elements of the circle of security are missing, then the process of attachment becomes adapted to defend against the painful experience of trust being broken.

The four attachment styles are:

Secure/Autonomous: This child was encouraged to explore, while being able to run back to the safe haven of their parents when they were scared or unsure. Parents were attentive but not overbearing, neither neglectful, rejecting or inconsistent in their affections. This person is not worried about rejection and can get close to others without fear of abandonment or feel claustrophobic when others depend on them. If you are secure, you are a very lucky individual since many are not!

Mantra: “Life and people are trustworthy and secure”

Anxious/Insecure: This child was either ignored or rejected. They are very anxious about attachment. They jump in fast and need emotional intimacy. They do not like boundaries or a feeling of separation and so they can be “mergy” in relationships. They have a preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment. If you are anxious you will have a hard time with boundaries and may exhibit impulsive behaviors to “fix it” with your perceived abandoner. It may feel like there is never enough validation from others.

Mantra: “It is ok for others to have boundaries with me, it does not mean they are rejecting me, I am important even when I am not physically present”.

Avoidant/Dismissive: This style develops when parents were too overbearing or when a parent’s mood was inconsistent and the child never knew how the parent might act towards them. This individual has a hard time getting close to others and easily feels claustrophobic in relationships. They can feel suffocated with any intimacy at all. They prefer their independence and will keep others at arms length. they may do destructive behaviors to create distance in relationships. They can be emotionally unavailable or even physically unavailable in some way.

Mantra: “If I open up to you, you will not engulf me or be unpredictable towards me. I will try to tolerate my fear of being engulfed”.

*Anxious and Avoidant: Some people have both anxious and avoidant attachment in their style. These are the individuals who will be anxious when it feels like others are unavailable and then others are available, they will become avoidant. I call this the “push/pull”. They will push you away when you are in with them and pull you in the minute you try to leave. This is the fundamental predicament of borderline personality disorder, but remember you can have this style and not this disorder. However the phrase associated with this style is “I hate you and don’t ever leave me”.

Mantra: “Unavailability is not safe. Consistency is. I will learn to stay, and accept that you will not reject me if I do stay.”

Disorganized/Unresolved: Disorganized attachment happens when there has been real trauma. This person cannot handle any emotional closeness in a relationship and can act in emotionally unregulated ways. They can be abusive with rage. They rapidly cycle through different aspects of attachment but do not land on any way to truly connect or attach to another. They are unresolved in the attachment process and are stuck without having developed a clear attachment at all.

Mantra: “The world is safe, I am no longer experiencing trauma. People can be safe too”.

The reason it can be useful to know your attachment style is because then you can work on maladaptive behaviors used as a defense mechanism. I see a lot of people in the avoidant and anxious range and we work on behaviors of codependency, unavailability, setting boundaries, respecting boundaries, being defensive etc. I find understanding the story of my attachment history helps me to use tools to calm and soothe the little girl inside who needs help developing a secure attachment. You can earn a secure attachment this is in fact called an earned secure attachment. This happens when you get in a relationship with someone who teaches you about secure attachment and you lean to do it.

I hope this is helpful in the pursuit of understanding yourself and your personal growth. I am curious, what do you think your attachment style is?

They Stormed the Capitol? How did this Happen?

So how did it happen? How did we get here in the first place?

There is this fine line between being in reality and our imagination. While reality is limited, the imagination is endless. As a psychotherapist, I have come to deeply respect the world of the fantasy. For many who have experienced trauma, their imagination is a safe haven- -a place to go which is an alternate truth from the real one. This is life saving in some instances. But it can also be very harmful. A person in a psychotic or delusional state can violate the rules and truths of reality.

But why do some people have trouble delineating between the two? Well, it takes a certain amount of ego strength to be able to accept and recognize reality; a fact which is often taken for granted. We assume everyone has the ego strength to make this important distinction. Part of ego strength is an observing ego: the ability to observe oneself in space and time and the effect we have on others. This leads to rational thought and empathy. When we don’t have an observing ego, it becomes hard to delineate between what we fantasize to be true and what actually is true. Also, without an observing ego, empathy is non existent. This leads people to delusions of grandeur establishing their power by any means necessary. I believe this is a good clinical description of Donald Trumps internal world. When one can delineate between reality and fantasy, they are neurotic. When one interprets their fantasy as reality they are psychotic. Being in s psychotic state can be very confusing.

Under stress and duress we go to the borderline of psychotic and neurotic, well at least most of us do. But for someone like Trump, he dips into psychotic and those who are hurting and looking for a different storyline to believe, join him. They too dip into their own delusion; suspending disbelief as they go.

This does not mean that everyone is psychotic, there are plenty of rational and realistic folks who support Trump and I do not mean to offend them. I respect their decision to follow the policies which they feel are right for their lifestyle and choices. I am suggesting a specific type of person prefers an alternate reality and needs one. This is very confusing for those who are able to accept reality. And it is scary, because you are trying to understand the world they are inhabiting. Remember this world is endless in its possibilities. So you can’t imagine it. You can’t imagine fabricating story after story and believing it…

But then again you have an observing ego.

But what if they weren’t stories to you? What if you had slipped past the point of finding that important distinction between the reality you wish for and the truth? For those who are not getting what they need from our government and society, who have anger in their hearts or want to blame someone for their frustrations, Trump is their answer. He offers them an escape from this reality and opens the door to a new one. No one is the enemy here- - yes we all are responsible for our actions, but there are mechanisms at play which are far more complicated than our emotions suggest.

I think it is important to recognize this. Because it is deeply jarring;

It’s as if we are in the matrix and keep looking for the fact we missed- -there isn’t one.

Except that those who are vulnerable to deception and manipulation can be persuaded to step below the line into a very dangerous state of believing fiction is reality.

I hope this is helpful right now. Have faith that most people are in reality and will help find our way back to safety. We have seen this in history. Start with caring for yourself and those around you, understanding that this is a very confusing and scary experience. I send you all a hug and hope you can do the same for yourself.

What the Heck is The Window Of Tolerance?

So what the heck is my Window of Tolerance (WOT)? And why do i need to know about it?

I first encountered this term in my work as a Somatic Psychotherapist and specifically through Peter Levine's work called Somatic Experiencing. The WOT is the window in which we are experiencing stressors but they are still tolerable for our nervous system. So the nervous system can keep coming back to a balanced homeostasis between the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. I think a really common misconception is that we can only be in one or the other and that is not true--they are not mutually exclusive. In fact, an alert and relaxed body and mind is ideal.

The sympathetic nervous system, or our "fight or flight" response, is the mechanism by which we recognize and respond to threat. Depending on the threats, this response is designed to be short lived. But with big threats the body will start releasing stress hormones and go into prolonged periods of fight or flight and can lead to adrenal burnout. When we are in our sympathetic nervous system continuously we leave our WOT. This can result from having no sense of safety, continual stimulation, and continued stress.

The para sympathetic nervous system, or our "rest and digest" response is responsible for bringing us in to a restful state in the body. We are in this state when there is no threat on the horizon and when we feel safe.

A lot of my work as a somatic psychotherapist is to bring people back in to their WOT. I can tell you that most of us are out of it these days. Signs you are out of it are over sized emotions such as anger or sadness and an inability to regulate them. For example unable to stop crying or lashing out in harmful ways. You may also feel apathetic, depressed, dissociative, forgetful, exhausted or run down. I just recently made a 20 minute yoga practice which has most of the tools used to bring you back into your WOT. If you think you are out of yours please try doing this video.

I will list some tools here as well:

1. Breathing-Breathing help us come back into the body and slow down. It also massages the Vegus Nerve which is actually responsible for stimulating the para sympathetic nervous system and therefore bringing us back into the WOT.

2. Sequencing- When we are traumatized, or out of our WOT, the front of the brain, which is the rational brain, will start shutting down and the limbic brain, or emotional brain, will get over active. This means we become forgetful, dissociative etc. and overwhelmed by our emotions. Sequencing helps the front of the brain remain open. So breathing, and repeating movements really helps.

3. Focusing on The Present- We can easily get overwhelmed when we leave our WOT. So coming into the present makes things more local and less global. We come into the present by focusing the mind on just the task at hand.

4. Discharging -Simply the ways our nervous system discharges it's sympathetic overload to come back into the WOT. So, allowing yourself to shake, cry, yawn or even laugh in a safe space can help your nervous system discharge it’s sympathetic charge.

I hope this is helpful. If you think you are traumatized and unable to get back into your WOT please contact me or seek another professional who can help you. This is specific work so make sure you are in the right hands. You deserve to feel safe and nurtured right now. If you found this blog useful please share your thoughts and comments below.

With Love,

Ariel

Communicating for Understanding....

Last week i spoke about unreal othering; where we make another person un relatable in some way. This week I want to talk about communicating in a way that bridges that un relatability.

What makes for good communication? Well, among other things, it requires that two people are able to listen for understanding, not take each other personally and be able to respect one another and accept difference. The more charged the subject, the harder this is to accomplish. Whether with your partner, child or friend who has different beliefs than you, communicating effectively is hard.

Mindfulness offers us some guidance here. There are two tools which help us listen for understanding:

The first is the don’t know mind. Here we listen to another with an open curiosity. Curiosity, instead of assuming, helps us feel connected to what another person is saying. In the clip below the zen master talks about the “yes but” mind verses the “don’t know” mind. The yes but mind stops us from truly listening. It creates expectations of right and wrong. The don’t know mind allows for discovery.

The second tool is one eye gazing in and one eye gazing out. This practice is done by noticing your own sensations and reactions while listening, so you can come into your present experience while simultaneously focusing on what you truly observe the other person saying and doing. This practice helps us cultivate true presence with another person.

Drilling also helps. Ask clarifying questions until you feel confident that you truly understand what another person is expressing. Perhaps they have a different political perspective than you, seek a deeper understanding of why. Perhaps there is an issue that is very dear to this person. Or perhaps this is the way their whole family has seen things. It is not good enough to say you are listening, but rather to be an active participant in listening.

Please respect difference.

We are all different. We all have had very different upbringings and different experiences. Difference is really important. I am not suggesting that anyone should condone actions which have hurt others. You don’t have to cross any moral boundaries. But showing up with respect in your heart will create an opportunity for true understanding. This is easier with our families, and harder with strangers. Showing that you respect that their views are different from yours will help them to keep communicating with you and finding resolution.

Lastly, be wary of generalizations. I know that generalizations help us make sense of the world. They set expectations of what to expect from one another. These expectations help us to feel that people are predictable. A good example of this is the astrology system. The zodiac is a helpful way of understanding others, but it can also be a way to put others in a pre-determined box. A system of assumptions closes us off from open curiosity about each of our own unique experiences. Try to maintain open curiosity. Just because someone identifies with a group or sounds like someone else, try to really focus on individuals instead of throwing people in generalized groups. This means that each person is accountable for their own actions and we are trying to understand them as individuals.

I write this post because it is our job to heal the anger, polarization and intolerance that is occurring all around us. No one else can do it for us. I hope that these tips slow us all down and we can support each other when these efforts feel hard. Please share your thoughts in the comments below. Let’s keep the conversation going!

If my Anger had a Spirit Animal it Would be a T-Rex!

OK, so your anger is a bit big these days. You have things to be angry about: your’e cramped up in your house, haven’t been to a movie in months, haven’t seen other people and are beginning to fray at the seams. Th country is in political turmoil and either way you bend there is something to be upset about.

You are worried that your anger is going to consume you.

Boy, can I relate!

So how do we control our anger? A a child therapist, I often ask children to draw their anger’s size in relation to themselves. They usually they draw their anger on a much bigger scale. This tells me that they can’t control their anger. After all, our anger has to be our size or smaller to be on equal ground with us.

If you could draw your anger how big would it be? The size of a T-Rex?

Here are few tips to help you control your anger and ultimately feel like you can get up each day and do what needs to be done:

1) Exercise! Anger is actually energy which is mobilized in us. When we are angry we need a place to expend that energy. Do something that requires real physical exertion. Get all of that pent up energy out (I recently tried my first boot camp class and that did the trick!).

2) Wring it out- Take a hand towel and saturate it with water under the faucet. Then wring all of the water out as hard as you can. Or get a stress ball and squeeze it. Repeat until you feel less impulsive.

3) Bio feedback- Recently I saw my little nephew squeezing his own arms when he was angry at his brother. I asked him why he did this and he said “it stops me from hitting him”. BRILLIANT! This is a demonstration of bio-feedback; using your own body to create a sensation or experience which we need. Squeezing your own arms can be soothing as well as give us bio feedback of having a physical restraint.

4) Meditate- I can’t stress enough the importance of meditating. Try just watching your sensations for a few minutes; identifying the comfortable ones. Or do a gratitude meditation. These practices alter our brain chemistry which contributes to a sense of calm.

5) Healthy distraction- The mind can only prioritize one things at a time. If you are really angry now may not be the time to try and process that anger. Instead read a book, listen to a comedy show, try something which takes concentration. All things fluctuate, this feeling will too it just needs a little time.

6) Talk to someone- Perhaps it is time to reach out for professional help, or perhaps there is a support group for the thing you are struggling with. Or even a friend who truly understands. Or write it down in a journal. Either way, don’t bottle it up inside…that will just makes the anger bigger and it will erupt.

I hope this is helpful and as usual if you have something to contribute we would love to hear from you just write your contribution in the box below….

So Which Meditation is Right for Me?

Starting a mediation practice can be really overwhelming. There are many different types of meditation and knowing which one to start with can be challenging. As a psychotherapist I tend to prescribe meditation as a tool for coping with anxiety, grief, depression etc. Many of my clients will ask me “what kind of meditation should I be doing?”. This is a really valid question. So here is the breakdown of all things meditation.

Meditation practices involve one of two goals: calming or insight. Calming refers to the ability to create a quieter and more peaceful state of mind. This of course helps with concentration. A byproduct of this is it reduces anxiety. Insight has a goal of cultivating certain qualities and transcending the present state of the mind i.e cultivating compassion as a way to transcend anger. I categorize the the calm practices to be somatic based and the insight practices to be cognitively based.When we are in crisis we need to use the somatic based tools first and then, when the front of the brain re-engages we can use more cognitive based exercises. Different forms of meditation can have one or both of these goals:

Resources: Insight timer and Headspace, two apps which offer a whole range of guided and unguided tools.

1. Vipassana- a Buddhist practice which focuses on “insight” or self observation. This practice focuses on mindfulness and calm. One of the hallmarks fo this form of meditation is sitting completely still to cultivate non-reactivity to our sensations. This non reactivity creates an equanimity. Vipassana relies heavily on focusing on the breath. Vipassana is only taught in retreats. Often the least number of days being 3 but usually 10. These retreats are usually silent. So it may not be the best entry level form of meditation.

Resource: Spirit Rock center

Teacher: Jack Cornfield. He founded Spirit Rock and is a very seasoned and experienced teacher.

2. Mindfulness- Mindfulness meditation is based on the basic principle of practicing complete presence in wherever we are and whatever moment we are inhabiting. This means that we let go of the expectations of what things should be; the art of practicing non-attachment. We do this by tracking our sensory experience and learning to identify comfort, discomfort and tolerance. One of the basic meditations in mindfulness is the body scan. This meditation is a wonderful entry level meditation for beginners as it is guided and gives the mind a place to focus. Mindfulness can be taught in a workshop and you can join a sangha and meditate each day for this reason it is more accessible.

Resource: The Insight Timer app is a great resource for finding body scans.

Teacher: Tara Brach. A wonderful heart based mindfulness teacher and tends to be really accessible for beginners.

3. Transcendental- This form of meditation is based on the idea that you can achieve complete calm and wisdom through the practice of mantra which is cultivating a finer understanding and consciousness. Basically we transcend the unrefined understanding of things and come into a more conscious way of engaging with our experiences.

Resource: Click here for a complete list of transcendental centers and teachers through out the world.

4. Yoga- Yoga is an 8 limb practice. Asana or poses is the limb which strengthens and prepares the body for the effects of meditation. Some other limbs are pranayama (breath), dhyana (concentration) and dharana (meditation). By observing certain practices which reduce suffering including breath work, posture practice, increasing our ability to concentrate and focus and meditating we are contributing to reducing the suffering in the world. Yoga is also a very accessible form of meditation and the postural practice can be a moving meditation for many.

Resources: “Light on Yoga”, BKS Iyengar. Click here to sign up form my weekly email on yoga and meditation tips.

Teachers: Some of my favorites are Janet Stone, Richard Freeman, Steph Snyder and Anna Forest. Click here to sign up for one of my online classes.

I hope this is helpful in getting you started and demystifying the practice of meditation!

Help, Panic Attack, What Should I do?

The fall has started with a lot of uncertainty. Parents are reporting their teens are having anxiety and panic attacks. Many individuals are feeling the same way. The overwhelming question parents and individuals are asking is what can I do for my loved one, or myself, when they are having extreme anxiety? 

When we are having anxiety the front of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, begins to shut down. This part of the brain is responsible for sequencing information, rational thought, and recalling details. These are all important features to daily function. To further complicate things, the limbic brain, or emotional brain, becomes over active making us react in big emotional ways. The key is to respect this imbalance while slowing this process down. 

Here are few tips for regulating your, or someone else's, anxiety in order from crisis intervention to sophisticated cognitive reframes: 

1.) Bring it back to the body- Bringing the person back into their body is helpful for grounding and slowing down fight or flight. It also brings us back into the present. The best way to do this is to breathe. Try a breath where the person has to count which is a simple cognitive sequencing task- this will turn the front of the brain back on and slow down the limbic brain. 

2) Bring it back to the sensory system- Ask the person to name three things they see in the room and then ask them to name them in reverse. Take the person outside and ask them to to touch the grass or smell the air. This brings them back into their sensory system and sequencing. It also brings them into the present moment which takes them away from their predicted fears. 

3) Touch- Touch is very regulating for the limbic system. Try giving a good squeeze. You can hold your own arms and squeeze your way down them with the opposite hand. This is very comforting snd will calm you down. I tell parents to do this with dis-regulated children. And we can tell teens to do it to themselves. 

4) Simple cognitive  tasks- Because the front of the brain is shutting down, now is not the time to ask this person to attempt complicated cognitive tasks. Asking this person to challenge their thoughts is just not going to work. A simple cognitive task can be finding step one in the event which is causing the panic. For example the panic stems from going to school: step one can be taking a shower, or walking to the front door. 

5) Test the reality of the situation- Ask the person what they notice about their surroundings. What is the reality of the situation. Decipher between reality and what they imagine to be true. Ask them if they have ever felt this way before? What was the outcome? Were they ok? This shows that what they fear is not necessarily going to happen. And they are resilient. 

6) Validate- Validate your or someone else's fear. Have compassion, anxiety is a really hard experience. And then remember your own resilience. Perhaps push but not too much. Ask the person if they have hit their limit and accept and respect that limit.

FUN FACT: The body has a natural response to squeeze when we are stressed. Allowing the body something specifically meant for squeezing releases the need to do it throughout the whole body. Try getting a stress ball and squeezing it and see if this relieves the tension in the rest of your body. 

The Pandemic Survival Guide For Couples

As the title suggests, in the days of lockdowns, social distancing and a pandemic, relationships have been extra stressed. Here are some tips to help you and your significant other survive and thrive during the pandemic and beyond:

1. Drilling- I have mentioned this before, try clarifying and listening to each other. Misunderstanding is dangerous for relationships. See if you can practice clarifying questions until you are completely satisfied with your understanding of what your partner is saying, feeling and needing. Understanding leads to connection and intimacy.

2. It’s Not Personal- Remind yourselves not to take each other personally. Let this be your mantra, you are most likely spending more time than usual with each other and you may not realize how starved you are for connection with other people. So maybe you are more frustrated or irritated than usual. The trick is to not assign this as personal. It’s not, it would happen to anyone you are spending a whole lot of time with.

3. “And This Too”- Remember this phrase? It reminds us that nothing is permanent nor is it static. Ok, so right now your relationship has involved more disagreements that doesn’t mean it will always be that way. As Tara Brach says, “and this too”- I.e we laugh and yes we fight too. Try not to compartmentalize your relationship- hold it in its entirety.

4. Find an Activity to Do Together- Maybe it is learning to do a new sport (my husband and I are learning to surf together presently) or this might be the time to pick up scrabble again, but find something that occupies your time while getting some energy out and giving you a fresh topic of conversation and experiences together. This will inject some excitement back into your daily lives. 

5. And then Find Time Apart- I can’t stress this enough- everyone needs a break. Take the time you need. Meditate, do yoga, go for a walk. Take care of you before anyone else. Your partner will thank you for this. Resentment is the the other great threat to healthy relationships- - so care for yourself so you don’t have to resent your partner because you have hit your breaking point. 

6. Cultivate Laughter- It seems simple. But laughter is hard to cultivate when we are experiencing stress and discontent. But if you both can laugh with each other in those moments then you will find the relationships resilience. This has taken time in my relationship but the best moments are those when we are able to laugh at ourselves when we are being petty. It really helps. 

7. Get Physical- Much like laughter, showing physical affection even when there is disagreement helps to dissipate the conflict. Remember to love one another. Try using humor and physical affection to de escalate irritations with one another. It is hard to be upset when we feel good!

Did you say Insomnia?

Lately, in my work as a psychotherapist,  I keep encountering clients who are experiencing some form of insomnia. Does this sound like you?

Are you one of those people for whom sleep is the coveted holy grail?

For many of us, our daily routines are thrown off because of confinement. Also, the things we might normally be doing for exercise may not be happening or happening in our homes and at different times. 

It is worth noting here that cortisol plays a very important role in waking and sleeping. Cortisol is a stress hormone. We release it in the morning usually and it helps our metabolism, and other immune functions. When we go into fight or flight, our cortisol levels get a little wonky. Many of us will release cortisol at night which, since it can be stimulating, will keep us awake. This throws our sleep patterns off. So the trick here is to keep the body in rest and digest or the parasympathetic nervous system. 

We are creatures of habit. Our bodies love routines. This helps the nervous system calm down. Sleep is closely linked to this. Here are few things to do to help you sleep:

1) NO SCREENS- Ok this seems obvious but you would be surprised by how many people use screens right before bed. Screens are stimulating and you are trying to be less stimulated. So try reading a book or doing a body scan instead. Set a time curfew on screens; nothing past 8pm. 

2) Nothing in bed but sleeping. Just like little children, we need to sleep train ourselves. You need to train your body to associate bed with sleep. If you can’t sleep, get out of bed and go to a chair or couch and read until you get sleepy. Then go back to bed. 

3) Write down your thoughts. If you can’t sleep because of ruminating thoughts, keep a journal or notepad handy so you can write them down when they arise. This will help you “put” those thoughts somewhere and free up your mind to settle into sleep. 

4) Have a bedtime ritual: maybe a cup of tea or a warm shower. Just make sure you are consistent with this ritual. This will help your body make the transition from awake to sleep. 

5) Pay attention to the foods you are eating. Caffeine is very stimulating-coffee, black tea and chocolate will keep you awake. Look for warm and mild foods and calming teas. 

6) Get moving. Have you ever noticed you get the best sleep after a long hike? This is because exercise really does wear us out both physically and mentally. Exercise is a win win for body and mind when it comes to sleep!

As a general rule we all require at least 8 hours of sleep. Sleep is really important to our longevity. During sleep our cells renew themselves. So now is the time to start really paying attention to your good or bad sleep habits.  Some people actually have brains which have adapted to very little sleep. Their sleep cycles happen differently. These folks can get 3 hours of sleep and be really refreshed the next day. But that is the exception not the rule and if you are getting 3 hours and are still really tired you need more sleep!

I hope this is helpful. What are your tips and tricks for combating insomnia? Join the discussion by making your contribution in the comments below!

If They could They Would...

A good general rule is that people are not trying to be difficult. I know we all want to take others people’s behaviors personally, but it’s not personal. The truth is we all at some point lack the skills needed to cope with the present situation. This is a really important point. Because it suggests that…

…none of us are trying to be difficult or defiant, we are just frustrated or overwhelmed.

In my work with children, I often encounter parents who are overwhelmed by their children’s acting-out behaviors. The more traditional parenting model highlights discipline and punishment in response to these behaviors. However, this gets parent and child nowhere. We need a more compassionate and collaborative approach for both parties. Dr. Ross Greene, a child psychologist, suggests that these children are lagging in the development of some skills that would help them cope with the situation that triggered the explosive behavior. He also suggests that telling the child what to do only puts a bandaid on the problem. And punishing them only shames and further instigates the troubling behavior. However, doing what he refers to as “drilling”—listening to the child and asking clarifying questions until you understand what the child is struggling with—will help you and the child find a collaborative solution together. This gives the child a sense of agency and pride. And, for the adult, it changes the mindset from punishing an already suffering human being to offering understanding and true support. Thus, it shifts the dynamic away from power and control into collaborative partnership. (Makes sense, right? If you want to learn how to do Greene’s method with your child I recommend his book, The Explosive Child.)

Of course, this happens to adults, too. In fact, I believe lagging in the development of important skills is at the heart of most relational hiccups or conflicts. What would it be like if you assumed that your partner, friend, child, or parent isn’t trying to be offensive or difficult. What if you assumed…

…if they could, they would.

How would this change your relationship to this person in the moment? What if you used drilling to truly understand what is happening for this explosive individual? How would the dynamic change if you offered a collaborative solution? Here is a common example. Tim is always running late and never makes the bed. Alex feels like things are chaotic if the bed isn’t made. Alex gets angry at Tim, causing him to be even more late. Tim reacts with frustration and refuses to talk to Alex for the rest of the day. How could this be different? Later, Tim could ask Alex, “Hey I noticed you were really upset about the bed, what’s up with that? Can you help me understand?” This gives Alex the chance to explore what is really going on for them. Both individuals can get on the same page and not make assumptions. From here, they can find a solution together: Alex and Tim can find ways to support Alex in learning how to tolerate unpredictability and chaos and Tim can create some constants for Alex which help them feel safe. This is truly supporting one another and it brings us closer, not farther apart. Again, we want true collaboration and partnership.

While Greene’s book and method has been designed for children, I believe it is an approach we should take with all people. You will find that your relationships run smoother and without as much conflict. All members will feel more respected and there will be fewer explosive behaviors. If you want to cultivate this approach in your life, a particular relationship, or help with parenting, feel free to reach out to me to set up an appointment. Also, if you want more resources and helpful tips from Dr. Greene, visit his website www.livesinthebalance.org