A good general rule is that people are not trying to be difficult. I know we all want to take others people’s behaviors personally, but it’s not personal. The truth is we all at some point lack the skills needed to cope with the present situation. This is a really important point. Because it suggests that…
…none of us are trying to be difficult or defiant, we are just frustrated or overwhelmed.
In my work with children, I often encounter parents who are overwhelmed by their children’s acting-out behaviors. The more traditional parenting model highlights discipline and punishment in response to these behaviors. However, this gets parent and child nowhere. We need a more compassionate and collaborative approach for both parties. Dr. Ross Greene, a child psychologist, suggests that these children are lagging in the development of some skills that would help them cope with the situation that triggered the explosive behavior. He also suggests that telling the child what to do only puts a bandaid on the problem. And punishing them only shames and further instigates the troubling behavior. However, doing what he refers to as “drilling”—listening to the child and asking clarifying questions until you understand what the child is struggling with—will help you and the child find a collaborative solution together. This gives the child a sense of agency and pride. And, for the adult, it changes the mindset from punishing an already suffering human being to offering understanding and true support. Thus, it shifts the dynamic away from power and control into collaborative partnership. (Makes sense, right? If you want to learn how to do Greene’s method with your child I recommend his book, The Explosive Child.)
Of course, this happens to adults, too. In fact, I believe lagging in the development of important skills is at the heart of most relational hiccups or conflicts. What would it be like if you assumed that your partner, friend, child, or parent isn’t trying to be offensive or difficult. What if you assumed…
…if they could, they would.
How would this change your relationship to this person in the moment? What if you used drilling to truly understand what is happening for this explosive individual? How would the dynamic change if you offered a collaborative solution? Here is a common example. Tim is always running late and never makes the bed. Alex feels like things are chaotic if the bed isn’t made. Alex gets angry at Tim, causing him to be even more late. Tim reacts with frustration and refuses to talk to Alex for the rest of the day. How could this be different? Later, Tim could ask Alex, “Hey I noticed you were really upset about the bed, what’s up with that? Can you help me understand?” This gives Alex the chance to explore what is really going on for them. Both individuals can get on the same page and not make assumptions. From here, they can find a solution together: Alex and Tim can find ways to support Alex in learning how to tolerate unpredictability and chaos and Tim can create some constants for Alex which help them feel safe. This is truly supporting one another and it brings us closer, not farther apart. Again, we want true collaboration and partnership.
While Greene’s book and method has been designed for children, I believe it is an approach we should take with all people. You will find that your relationships run smoother and without as much conflict. All members will feel more respected and there will be fewer explosive behaviors. If you want to cultivate this approach in your life, a particular relationship, or help with parenting, feel free to reach out to me to set up an appointment. Also, if you want more resources and helpful tips from Dr. Greene, visit his website www.livesinthebalance.org