As the title suggests, in the days of lockdowns, social distancing and a pandemic, relationships have been extra stressed. Here are some tips to help you and your significant other survive and thrive during the pandemic and beyond:
Drilling- I have mentioned this before, try clarifying and listening to each other. Misunderstanding is dangerous for relationships. See if you can practice clarifying questions until you are completely satisfied with your understanding of what your partner is saying, feeling and needing. Understanding leads to connection and intimacy.
It’s Not Personal- Remind yourselves not to take each other personally. Let this be your mantra, you are most likely spending more time than usual with each other and you may not realize how starved you are for connection with other people. So maybe you are more frustrated or irritated than usual. The trick is to not assign this as personal. It’s not, it would happen to anyone you are spending a whole lot of time with.
“And This Too”- Remember this phrase? It reminds us that nothing is permanent nor is it static. Ok, so right now your relationship has involved more disagreements that doesn’t mean it will always be that way. As Tara Brach says, “and this too”- I.e we laugh and yes we fight too. Try not to compartmentalize your relationship- hold it in its entirety.
Find an Activity to Do Together- Maybe it is learning to do a new sport (my husband and I are learning to surf together presently) or this might be the time to pick up scrabble again, but find something that occupies your time while getting some energy out and giving you a fresh topic of conversation and experiences together. This will inject some excitement back into your daily lives.
And then Find Time Apart- I can’t stress this enough- everyone needs a break. Take the time you need. Meditate, do yoga, go for a walk. Take care of you before anyone else. Your partner will thank you for this. Resentment is the the other great threat to healthy relationships- - so care for yourself so you don’t have to resent your partner because you have hit your breaking point.
Cultivate Laughter- It seems simple. But laughter is hard to cultivate when we are experiencing stress and discontent. But if you both can laugh with each other in those moments then you will find the relationships resilience. This has taken time in my relationship but the best moments are those when we are able to laugh at ourselves when we are being petty. It really helps.
Get Physical- Much like laughter, showing physical affection even when there is disagreement helps to dissipate the conflict. Remember to love one another. Try using humor and physical affection to de escalate irritations with one another. It is hard to be upset when we feel good!