Last week i spoke about unreal othering; where we make another person un relatable in some way. This week I want to talk about communicating in a way that bridges that un relatability.
What makes for good communication? Well, among other things, it requires that two people are able to listen for understanding, not take each other personally and be able to respect one another and accept difference. The more charged the subject, the harder this is to accomplish. Whether with your partner, child or friend who has different beliefs than you, communicating effectively is hard.
Mindfulness offers us some guidance here. There are two tools which help us listen for understanding:
The first is the don’t know mind. Here we listen to another with an open curiosity. Curiosity, instead of assuming, helps us feel connected to what another person is saying. In the clip below the zen master talks about the “yes but” mind verses the “don’t know” mind. The yes but mind stops us from truly listening. It creates expectations of right and wrong. The don’t know mind allows for discovery.
The second tool is one eye gazing in and one eye gazing out. This practice is done by noticing your own sensations and reactions while listening, so you can come into your present experience while simultaneously focusing on what you truly observe the other person saying and doing. This practice helps us cultivate true presence with another person.
Drilling also helps. Ask clarifying questions until you feel confident that you truly understand what another person is expressing. Perhaps they have a different political perspective than you, seek a deeper understanding of why. Perhaps there is an issue that is very dear to this person. Or perhaps this is the way their whole family has seen things. It is not good enough to say you are listening, but rather to be an active participant in listening.
Please respect difference.
We are all different. We all have had very different upbringings and different experiences. Difference is really important. I am not suggesting that anyone should condone actions which have hurt others. You don’t have to cross any moral boundaries. But showing up with respect in your heart will create an opportunity for true understanding. This is easier with our families, and harder with strangers. Showing that you respect that their views are different from yours will help them to keep communicating with you and finding resolution.
Lastly, be wary of generalizations. I know that generalizations help us make sense of the world. They set expectations of what to expect from one another. These expectations help us to feel that people are predictable. A good example of this is the astrology system. The zodiac is a helpful way of understanding others, but it can also be a way to put others in a pre-determined box. A system of assumptions closes us off from open curiosity about each of our own unique experiences. Try to maintain open curiosity. Just because someone identifies with a group or sounds like someone else, try to really focus on individuals instead of throwing people in generalized groups. This means that each person is accountable for their own actions and we are trying to understand them as individuals.
I write this post because it is our job to heal the anger, polarization and intolerance that is occurring all around us. No one else can do it for us. I hope that these tips slow us all down and we can support each other when these efforts feel hard. Please share your thoughts in the comments below. Let’s keep the conversation going!