The Lowest Hanging Fruit

Here is the thing gist of this post; we often overlook the simplest solution.

People ask me what they can do to help their children with behavioral problems or their own anxiety, my answer is to first identify what is triggering the behavior. If we could feel less anxious, frustrated, angry etc. we would. If we are acting out in ways, it is because we can’t and the question is why? The more complicated question is what skill are we missing to handle this situation? This is really what I do as a psychotherapist; I help identify the skill missing and with awareness we can cultivate tools to manage the situation. However, before the skill question is a much simpler one; what basic needs are not being met here?

Enter my sister, Megan.

Megan, my big sister, in not only an expert on child development and special needs education, she is also a mother of three. She introduced the idea of the lowest hanging fruit; a basic need that is not being addressed and by addressing it, the behavior might change and the problem is solved. This has been exceptionally useful with her eldest son. She would describe how, when he was very angry, she would put food in front of him and not say a word. It turns out he was really hungry in those times. We all are short, irritable, angry, frustrated when we haven’t had enough sleep, food or down time. I tell my clients if you are already feeling anxious, make sure you sleep enough and eat enough.

But how do we know we are hungry or tired?

This is a question that also gets overlooked. After all, not all of us are able to identify our needs. In fact, in certain situations, some of us have had to learn how to ignore our needs as a defensive strategy. My work as a somatic psychotherapist is to help people identify a somatic cue and what it is telling them. I once had a client who had an eating disorder. What we came to find out it that she would often miss the cue for a boundary; she was tired or over extended. Because she would not recognize these things she would say yes to social engagement and get overwhelmed so she would binge to help ground her. Going straight to tools for the anxiety still wasn’t addressing the fact that she couldn’t identify tired in her body. Once we worked with identifying these cues through tracking her sensations, she was able to recognize them in the moment and take care of herself. With time she stopped binging and purging. This was the skill she was missing.

This is why I believe strongly in mindfulness and tracking sensations (If you do not know what this practice is, I suggest you try my progressive relaxation meditation). Learning to identify the cues our body is giving us helps us recognize the lowest hanging fruit. Before we try and investigate the skills we are missing, or the psychodynamic reason for something, first just ask this question; how is my body doing right now? What are the sensations in my body? Is there discomfort? What is this discomfort telling me? Having a practice of this several times a day will lead to you attending to your body on a more regular basis. This in turn will lead to a more satiated homeostasis which leads to a more productive, content outcome and perspective in life. Again, when the body is in distress we are in distress.

If you are a parent, perhaps before you jump to a conclusion about your child’s behavior, consider sliding a snack in front of them or getting into a more regular bedtime. Also, remember that if your child is struggling with demanding challenges in their life, make sure their basic needs are really being met. This will cut down on their stress. When we are under stress and duress we go to our most primal and under resourced behaviors.

Let me know how this post has helped you in your own life or parenting your child. As usual I send you well wishes from my corner of the world to yours!