As a psychotherapist I witness people getting stuck, disappointed, frustrated and dissatisfied with their lives. In fact I have witnessed myself feel those things as well. Over the years I have come to realize that there is one distinct difference between the people who are suffering and those who are not; goals vs expectations.
So what is the difference between a goal and an expectation?
An expectation is something that has to happen in your mind. It is a set outcome and we attach our well being to that outcome. For example if I expect I will be able to do handstand into my 80’s, then I am content if I can and disappointed if I can’t. Often expectations lead to self criticism as well. We criticize ourselves for not being able to meet the expectation and our our sense of reality can get skewed. Most importantly we do not develop the skill to remain flexible and be able to soothe ourselves through delayed gratification. These all leads to suffering in our souls.
Now let’s talk about goals. Goals are a hope, a suggestion and an anchor of what we would like to move towards. Using the same example above, if I set a goal that I would like to try and do handstand into my 80’s then I am working towards it but still open to what reality provides me. Perhaps I won’t be able to and that is ok because I have not poured my sense of happiness into this one outcome, I have enjoyed working towards something. I have more choice here. I can decide that the goal was just an inspiration, not an expectation. The other piece to this is that I tell my clients to always set reasonable goals. So if you are grieving in any way, set a reasonable goal for the day; I am going to make sure I eat today. That is reasonable, deciding you have to be social with others that day may not be reasonable and sounds like an expectation.
This brings me to my last point. In order to thrive we need to speak in terms that are kind to ourselves and encourage flexibility. The words we use are often indicative of whether we are setting goals or forming expectations. Words like: “I should”, “I have to”, “what if”, “I want” and “I need” are expectation words. Some of them are ok if you are setting a boundary. For instance saying “I need you to take your hands off of me” suggests this is not a flexible request; this is your boundary. But in general these words can create inflexibility. What if sentences indicate that we are worried about a certain outcome which means we are also rejecting it. So trying to reframe these words is really helpful for pivoting away from disappointment, discontent, dissatisfaction, frustration and towards happiness and contentment.
Words like: “I would like to”, “I am going to try to”, “I value” and “I hope” are goal oriented words. These words allow for other other options to present themselves. For instance I would like to do handstand into my 80’s but if I can’t then I will have the opportunity to work with change and non attachment. You can see how that sentence shows me my own resilience and choice.
The other day my husband, Jason, and I were talking about how goals allow for patience and expectations breed impatience. Expecting to be good at something right away or get what we want means we don’t develop the muscle of tolerance. Goals help us strengthen our sense of patience, diligence, flexibility, and contentment.
The take away here is to just take the word expectation out of your vocabulary. The more I do this work and think about the common experience amongst humans (which I do A LOT), The more I realize this word is really not useful for our sense of gratification and ultimate happiness. As an exercise I challenge you to remove your expectations and replace them with goals and reframe all of your expectations sentences into goal oriented ones. Slow down here so you can catch them as they happen ALL OF THE TIME. And see if that increases your sense of satisfaction, tolerance and acceptance of life.
I hope this was helpful and as usual I am here to help you through this wonderful and wild ride called life!