As I was shaking and scared to climb any higher out of fear of taking a 20 foot fall, my climbing partnered yelled up at me “there is nothing to fear but fear itself Ariel”. And in that moment I realized that my only handicap was where my mind took me.
Fear is a trickster. True fear comes from a response to threat and results in the fight or flight response in the nervous system. Think of a lion chasing you, this is a true threat. The appropriate response is fear because it will motivate you to run or do something that you can’t usually do because of the extra adrenalin in your system. However, fear in reaction to an imagined threat can be quite paralyzing. An imagined threat is something we perceive as threatening though it really is not, rather it is most likely just uncomfortable. Now rock climbing can be both. There are times when I am safe but the fall is still a scary prospect. So having the capacity to translate my fear to excitement is useful here.
Excitement presents as very similar to fear. It can also release adrenalin. We can feel “amped” when we are excited. In fact sometimes they are hard to differentiate. So if fear can be paralyzing, why not shift the narrative to something more empowering and call it excitement? In fact, every time I climb and am nervous about it, I just keep saying to myself; “I am so excited to do this climb”. And it really does work. My body relaxes, I start to enjoy the beautiful scenery around me, I see more possibility on the rock, my grip loosens and my hands stop sweating. Most importantly, I feel in control of the climb instead of fear being in control of me.
One of the biggest ways that I see fear and excitement confused is in relationships. Especially the push/ pull ones. For those of us who have insecure to avoidant attachment styles, (if you don’t know what that is read my blog post on attachment styles.) we tend to confuse a sense of un-safety and fear with excitement. The idea of the “chase” when someone is withholding love from us is interpreted as exciting instead of inherently unsafe. Also, theses relationships tend to be very passionate at first because both parties will rush in without any boundaries and then most likely someone will rush out. That passion is interpreted as exciting though it is actually really unsafe for the person who is insecurely attached. So, in this case, we actually need to do the opposite of what I said above; slow down and understand we are confusing excitement with fear. Naming it as a fear instead of excitement helps insecurely attached folks start taking care of themselves instead of repeating a painful cycle of abandonment. Here the individual needs to learn that relationships which are consistent and uneventful (in a dramatic disruption in attachment) are actually exciting because they don’t create the adrenalin of insecurity. In my work as a psychotherapist my clients will express that this type of relationship is boring. I suggest that they see that there is hardly anything boring about consistent love and emotional availability. It is jus that they are used to being in flight or flight in their relationships, This is a huge piece of healing insecure attachment.
I hope this is helpful in understanding the way these two states in the body interact. Perhaps the next time you find yourself attempting a handstand, climbing a rock wall, publicly speaking etc. try shifting the narrative that it is scary and replace it with the idea that this is an exciting opportunity. See if that helps. And if you are insecurely attached, try looking at the chase as hurtful and see if you can identify that this is not excitement you are feeling but fear and make a different choice in the relationship. As usual, I will talk to you next week and feel free to share your experience with fear and excitement. We all learn from each other!