Last week I shared some tips for those who suffer from infertility. I really hope they were helpful. Infertility can be a sensitive subject, we don’t often talk about it, and people don’t know what to say or how to interact with their infertile loved one. Both parties want to reach out across this painful divide, but it is fraught with so much grief and isolation that neither party wants to add any more suffering.
So here are some tips for you if you have a friend or loved one who is struggling with infertility:
- Educate yourself. Your loved one is going through a lot and it would be wonderful if you researched all of the medical acronyms and procedures a little bit on your own. Also, take a look at forums where women are talking about infertility so that you can understand there is a pattern of feelings for all women who suffer from this. ( I mentioned the forum Inspire last week). This will make your loved one feel their experience matters to you.
- Please don’t mention adoption when they are trying to have a biological child. They know about adoption, trust me. But adoption is another arduous process and it is a very different path to parenthood. Let your loved one come to that decision when they are ready. You don’t have to fix their pain, just be with them in it.
- Send a card. If it was just mothers day or you know they had to go to a baby shower or heard another pregnancy announcement, perhaps go through the effort to send them a card. It will help validate their experience.
- Broach the topic. It can be taboo to talk about infertility and miscarriages -- so invite your friend to talk. Ask them about their experience. Don’t be afraid to say the wrong thing. Your efforts mean so much!
- If they have lost a pregnancy, ask about the anniversary. Perhaps offer to do something meaningful to mark it. Remember, this was their child they lost. And it may be the closest they have ever gotten to having a child.
- Share your pregnancy news on the phone. This way she has the chance to feel her own feelings in private with grace. She can control when she gets off of the phone. Try telling her before it becomes obvious you are pregnant and tell her when she has time to process it. She will probably get off of the phone and need a good cry.
- It may not be appropriate to expect that your loved one be close during your pregnancy. Know that your friend is overjoyed for your pregnancy and devastated for themselves. So, keep that in mind when you set expectations.
- Refrain from making suggestions like; “Just relax and it will happen” (You try being relaxed during infertility!) or “make it clear to the universe that you want a baby” (Oh, so all of those injections, emptying my savings and showing my privates 4 times a week for years hasn’t made it clear?), “don’t have that glass of wine” (This is just silly!), “exercise more or exercise less” (Serena Williams had a baby!), “I did x and it worked for me!” (It worked for you great, but that doesn’t mean it will work for me, I am infertile). Your loved one already blames themselves for being infertile. They don’t need more pressure and failure. Perhaps keep the suggestions to yourself and instead, remind them of what they are doing and that is the best they can do.
If you are looking for more suggestions, consider booking a one time coaching session with me to further understand how you can support your relationship and friend through the landscape of infertility. There are ways the relationship can truly thrive!