I know Mother’s day is a celebratory day for most people, but it is not so for everyone. It can actually be traumatizing for the 1 in 10 women every year who have trouble getting pregnant. This statistic speaks to the very real experience of…
The woman who had one or multiple losses
The woman who had a still-born
The woman who has never been able to get pregnant
The single woman using assisted reproductive technology (ART) because she has not found her partner
The woman who has a wife and therefore must use ART
The woman who is young and is experiencing premature ovarian failure
The woman who has secondary infertility
Maybe this is you? Or maybe this is your friend or family member?
There are a lot of unknowns in the world of infertility. There are many questions to ask and decisions to make. The stress of doctor’s appointments, medications, injections and procedures can be overwhelming. And then there are the social aspects; Mother’s day, baby announcements, friendships with fertile people, other people’s unsolicited advice, time, and cost. All of this can be stressful causing anxiety and depression. The grief which accompanies the deep longing for a child and the feeling that the door is being shut over and over is very palpable. Many women with infertility don’t know how to talk to others about their experiences or how to cope. And many friends and family don’t know how to help. This can be a messy and complicated interaction for both. I have been on both sides as the patient and the infertility counselor. It may not be enough to just listen. Coping with infertility requires real effort and compassion.
If you are struggling with infertility I have some simple suggestions:
-Start a meditation practice. This will help you stay connected to your body and calm your mind. A good place to start is circle and bloom they have a free meditation and I find it very helpful.
-Make sure you have a good support system. Whether it is a therapist who understands infertility, a really good friend or a forum, make sure you have a safe place to just feel and share. A good place to start is Inspire, they are a great resource for information and support.
-Tell your family to educate themselves about infertility. It cannot be your job to explain it to them, they need to prepare themselves.
-It is ok to say no. Now is the time to take care of yourself. So if you can’t go to the baby shower, then don’t. Send a card and that person will understand.
-Think of setting clear expectations: what do you expect to hear from those around you and what can they expect from you. i.e “I don’t need you to tell me to just relax”.
-Find your one sentence to shut down unsolicited advice and questions about family planning. i.e “I have a doctor for that how about you just be my friend?”
-Do your homework; research your diagnosis and educate yourself. You are your best advocate now. This is your body and you deserve some answers!
-Talk about plan A and B and maybe pursue them both at the same time. This will help you feel that there is possibility on this journey. There is a lot of hope here for you.
-Find ways to take care of yourself and things that help you feel STRONG and capable in your body.
-If you have a partner, remember they are going through this too. And they may not express it but they feel it. Find times and topics which are infertility free zones.
-Take a vacation if you are not in treatment. Even a small one. You deserve it!
This is just a small list of actions which can make a huge impact on your journey. If you want more guidance and support, please contact me. In my next blog post I will write some tips for friends and family member of someone struggling with infertility.