When I was in graduate school I read about a psychologist named Annie Rogers who worked at Harvard doing research on girl’s self confidence as they transition from a girl to a teen. Annie’s work really shaped my interest in working with teens. I suppose I wanted to be an advocate for kids as they navigate these rocky developmental stages.
As a somatic psychotherapist my job is to work with our natural pulsation. Pulsation refers to our ability to open up to our environment and engage with it and also to go back inside and attend to ourselves. This pulsation is often reflected in, and managed by, our body. For instance, when we are trying to get away from our environment the body will squeeze and contract resulting in a hunched posture or stomach issues. When we are stuck in our external environment, as is the case with hyper vigilance, the body can look rigid, erect and defended; think of a military stance.
So what does this have to do with our girl’s greatest “no”?
Well, when girls are little they feel free to pulsate outward. They feel free to say “NO'“ or “YES”. They have no inhibition about establishing their boundaries and taking delight in themselves and their environment. If you have ever watched a little girl, it is a really delightful experience. My favorite is the spontaneous twirl or scowl. They are markers of a self assured spirit. However, somewhere around 11-13 something happens for our girls. They become afraid to say no. They begin to become aware of their environment in a different way.
These confident little girls who had a spontaneous leap through the air, begin to retreat inside of their own bodies.
I have seen this in my office. I have seen teenage girls sit hunched on the sofa when they talk about self harm thoughts or worry about not being good enough. I have seen them afraid to look me in the eye and it breaks my heart. I affectionately call them my “little women” and we often talk about putting their broken pieces back together to make a beautiful statue larger than life.
So how do we prevent this loss of confidence? How to do we set them back on course? And why am I seeing more and more of this? I think the number one thing is to never shame our girls. Let them twirl, and honor their no’s; in fact celebrate them. I believe this is happening more frequently because our girls are exposed to so much. They can compare themselves to each other, to the images they see on screens. They over hear everything. Trust me they do. I have had an 8 year old tell me she needs to lose weight mimicking older female figure sin her life. The way we talk about how we look, stereotypes we assign the different genders (perhaps they don’t even identify with their gender) etc. has a huge impact on them. Please, don’t just tell your little girl that she can be just who she is, model it. Expose her to powerful women who said no. Expose her to women who do not manipulate to get what they want, but treat men as their equals. Don’t tell her she is just pretty, tell her specifically how she it capable of earning her place in this world. If she feels not worthy, keep showing her the ways she has succeeded. Be aware of her friend group and what messages are in the homes of her friend group. This has a huge influence on her sense of self. Do yoga with her, and each day take a super woman stance and remind her that her body can open to the world instead of shrinking away from it.
This is a huge job I know. I am here to help. Each teenage, 20 year old and woman I see, together we pick up the pieces and look at each one and embrace her. We learn to love her as we glue piece by piece back together. I hope this is helpful for all of you out there who have a little girl, were a little girl or support a woman in your life.
As always from my heart to yours,